Coping With Loss of a Colleague by Suicide

Suicide can create a particularly difficult grieving process. Recognizing this can help you support survivors and your department.

The death of someone close to us is never easy to experience. Death by suicide, however, often contains several circumstances that set this type of loss apart, and makes the grieving process more difficult. Some of these circumstances include:

• A traumatic aftermath. Death by suicide is often sudden, sometimes violent, and usually unexpected.
• Recurring thoughts by the suicide survivor of the circumstances of the death in an effort to understand — potentially replaying the individual’s final moments, or the last encounter they had with that individual.
• A powerful stigma attached to mental illness, often seen as a factor in most suicides. As a result, survivors may be reluctant to disclose and discuss the circumstances of such a death. In addition, this stigma may cause others to have difficulty discussing the suicide and reaching out. This could leave you feeling isolated if the support you expected to receive is not there. This can lead to isolation, confusion, and shame.
• There can be a mix of emotions toward the individual who died by suicide. On one hand, one may feel the individual was a victim of mental illness or intolerable circumstances, while on the other hand, the act may feel like rejection of those left behind.
• Those left behind can be stuck in needing to find “a reason.” This can result in numerous “what if” or “should have” or “could have” questions and statements.
• A survivor may begin to unrealistically condemn themselves for failing to predict the death or to successfully intervene. In doing so, survivors tend to greatly overestimate their own contributing role, as well as their ability to affect the outcome.

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Support for survivors

Here are some special considerations in finding support and healing for suicide survivors:

• • • Stay close to others, especially colleagues, to avoid feeling cut off after a suicide. If contact is avoided, the sense of blame and isolation can only increase.
    • Allow yourself and others to express their pain and grief. Simply listen, and ask others to just listen. Ask for and offer support and compassion in listening to what others in the department have to say about the person, the death, and their feelings.
    • Remember his or her life. Do not let suicide be the most important thing about the person who died. As a department, share memories and stories using the individual’s name.
    • Allow for differences in reaction. Not all survivors are alike; do not assume that another person’s feelings and thoughts will be the same as yours. In the same way, allow yourself to grieve in your own way. What is right for you, may not necessarily be what is right for someone else. There is no single way to grieve.
    • Recognize the long haul. Eventually you and others in the department will jump back into life. Unfortunately, sometimes that leads to a message that the time to talk about continued grief is over. Put effort into discussing continuing grief by checking in with others often in the department. There’s no standard timeline for grieving.
    • Brace for and accept the range of powerful emotions. This can include shock and disbelief; denial; guilt and shame due to “what if” or “should have” statements; anger at the individual or yourself; confusion due to an attempt to make sense of the death and unanswered questions; despair associated with sadness and helplessness; and rejection. Recognize that all those feelings are normal and can vary throughout the healing process.
    • Take time to care for yourself and adopt healthy coping strategies. The aftermath of a colleague’s suicide can be physically and emotionally exhausting. As you work through your grief, be careful to protect your own well-being. Get enough sleep and eat regular, healthy meals. Taking care of your physical self can improve your mood and give you the strength to cope. Rely on healthy coping strategies.
    • Be prepared for setbacks, especially when faced with painful reminders such as anniversaries, holidays, and other special occasions. Give yourself compassion during those times and do not rush yourself. Losing someone to suicide takes great healing, and healing must occur at its own pace. Some days will be better than others, even years after the suicide. Recognize that is normal and that healing does not happen in a straight line.
    • Find ways to face the future with a sense of peace. Allow yourself to recognize that you can go on and that you can enjoy life again. While you might always wonder why it happened, eventually, the raw intensity of your grief will fade.
    • Know when to seek professional help. Seeking help can be important for a number of reasons. It can help in processing unresolved grief, so that it does not turn into more complicated grief, where painful emotions are so long lasting and severe that you have trouble resuming your own life. Professional help can also help in making sense of the death, explore unfinished issues in your relationship with the deceased, treat you if you are experiencing specific mental health symptoms, and/or simply offer support and understanding as you go through your unique grieving process.
    • Individual therapy can assist in getting through the worst of the crisis or to help you adjust to life after suicide. In doing so, look for a skilled therapist who is experienced in working with grief after suicide.
    • Consider a support group for those affected by suicide. Support groups can help you process your emotions alongside others who are experiencing similar feelings. Sharing your story with others who are experiencing the same type of grief might help you find a sense of purpose or strength. Know you can join a support group at any time in the grieving process: soon after the death or even long after the suicide.

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Next steps

While not the protocol you as a leader want to think about and spend time putting into place, it can be beneficial to prepare yourself and your personnel – it may happen. Suicides do not occur often, but they can tear at the fiber of your department.

Consider what protocol will be followed should your department experience the unfortunate death by suicide of an officer or firefighter. This can include having in place a plan for funeral protocol and for distributing facts, not rumors. In these circumstances, it is important to recognize that all personnel will be affected, and to have information on hand for professional services, as well as what to expect after an officer or firefighter’s death by suicide. Plan a rotation of who will interact with the officer or firefighter’s family. Offer expressions of support to all staff and have a plan on how to get back to work and reintegrate with one another.

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